Estoy muy viejo para esto.
Lo supo el suelo antes que yo.
El tiempo vino como ladrón en la noche
cuando los esfuerzos aún encontraban la salida
en medio de la oscuridad.
La escasez del presente es lisonja del pasado.
Riela la memoria con tiempos mejores
De apurar la noche, postergar con impunidad,
Aguardar con paciencia la súbita percatación
Y la tranquila fatuidad del deber cumplido.
Ahora el pulso es trémulo y las ideas vienen despacio.
(Ella también llega a destiempo)
Con la calma de los condenados.
La debilidad al acecho, aún debajo de la piedra más pequeña.
Todo se estremece cuando te levantas tras el primer golpe
Y los ojos apenas se entrecierran al ver venir el segundo.
A ti, que creíste no vivir para ver este día, no te increpo tu fe.
Bendigo tu piedad.
Una joven promesa se hace vieja
Y ya no queda nadie para creerla.
ChD.
"A Nadie pertenezco, y a Todos; Antes de entrar, ya estabas aquí; quedarás aquí, cuando salgas."
lunes, 12 de diciembre de 2011
Antípodas
Sé que otro mundo es posible.
Un mundo donde no deseo hablarle cuando la veo por primera vez.
En donde no se dice lo que no ha tenido caso decir
ni espero mi turno para intentar decirlo.
Un mundo en donde renunciamos a la escalada armamentista, no por despiadada, sino por estéril.
Un mundo en el que no soy tan disperso ni usted lo tiene todo tan claro.
Un mundo en el que me desagradan todos sus defectos y no sólo unos pocos.
En el que no toda confusión se usa como un arma ni toda aclaración es abrasiva.
En la que mi espera no termina con una sonrisa mendicante.
Un mundo en el que usted me vence en la primera partida y no espero revancha.
En el que no sólo entiendo la ilusión, sino que puedo apartar la vista de ella.
Un mundo en el que todos los mundos que la incluyen no pueblan mis noches
Y nada de lo anterior me jode.
Quizás sí estemos en el mejor de los mundos posibles.
ChD.
Un mundo donde no deseo hablarle cuando la veo por primera vez.
En donde no se dice lo que no ha tenido caso decir
ni espero mi turno para intentar decirlo.
Un mundo en donde renunciamos a la escalada armamentista, no por despiadada, sino por estéril.
Un mundo en el que no soy tan disperso ni usted lo tiene todo tan claro.
Un mundo en el que me desagradan todos sus defectos y no sólo unos pocos.
En el que no toda confusión se usa como un arma ni toda aclaración es abrasiva.
En la que mi espera no termina con una sonrisa mendicante.
Un mundo en el que usted me vence en la primera partida y no espero revancha.
En el que no sólo entiendo la ilusión, sino que puedo apartar la vista de ella.
Un mundo en el que todos los mundos que la incluyen no pueblan mis noches
Y nada de lo anterior me jode.
Quizás sí estemos en el mejor de los mundos posibles.
ChD.
sábado, 12 de noviembre de 2011
De Muerte, Interior y Ropa

En otoño de 1812, el diezmado ejército del zar hizo frente en la orilla del río Moskva a las huestes ya innumerables del
Emperador. Antes de iniciar la batalla, el General Kutúzov supo que la única forma de hacer perder (no ya de ganar) a su enemigo era prefigurar la retirada. Una tradición eslava recomendaba vestir ropa interior limpia antes de
morir. Decenas de miles de soldados lo hicieron ese día.
Recuerdo haber preguntado a mi abuela siendo niño por qué no podía dormir desnudo cuando estuviese solo en mi cama y sintiera calor. Me dijo que era por si moríamos
en la noche: la primera persona que hallara nuestros cuerpos en la
mañana debía encontrarnos dignos y
presentables. Me preguntaba entonces cómo podríamos sentirnos dignos o
avergonzados estando muertos.
Ahora ya no me lo pregunto. Ahora ya estoy solo.
Quizá quede algo de efímera dignidad en cubrir con pudor y un pedazo de tela el despojo de una promesa de inmortalidad, como queriendo preservarla de ese arquetipo de la desnudez que es la muerte; quizá siga siendo digno prever el día de la batalla en la que uno morirá en brazos de alguien, asegurándose de llevar ropa interior limpia.
Y de prefigurar la retirada.
ChD.
miércoles, 28 de septiembre de 2011
Sin título
Quise capitular antes de que que se hiciera con el poder. Acariciar la hoja de una espada envainada, como tentando el honor. Atarme al mástil en tiempos de bonanza, prepararme para la súplica por la insoportable belleza de un monstruo que conmueve. Es tarde para detener los remos. Admirar su valor no me hizo más valiente. Sonreiré al poner la daga en su mano, veré en sus ojos la certeza de un destino tan promisorio como provisorio.
En vano cavilo los términos de mi rendición, que fue firmada en blanco hace ya mucho tiempo. Sólo aguardo un resquicio entre las miserias que acoja mi dignidad.
lunes, 5 de septiembre de 2011
Counterfactual
Lasciate ogne speranza voi ch'entrate
In a contingent past
We scheduled an inexorable duel
Those who we are not today, they looked into each other eyes
Sensed their unfortunate destiny
And they smiled.
Being younger, they did so with naive complicity
If older, they did it with secret resignation.
They imagined being the only inhabitants of a necessary world
(I mean they imagined to need each other)
They believed to create anxious waiting, graceful hesitation,
child threw, feverish devotion
And they saw that was good.
Then they laid as two exhausted gods.
Unable to see their feet, but always able to see it
As if it would sprout from the road, clear into the fog
Lofty and dark, as made of timeless stone
They were hectic as if they had found out their home in the best of all worlds
They shared an one-way labyrinth (a tunnel)
As these are dug by accomplices of a heinous crime
And they had a castle.
Then they were welcomed by galleries, glasses and mirrors
A common fire made them feel pleasant, received
Perhaps eternal.
Time came to execute his vanity.
There was not siege; it got soaked to the foundations of their joints.
Mirrors started to reflect them uncontrollably
They touched their faces through the glass and cold did not come from glass
Panic was plaintiff silence, suicidal confidence, vertiginous fatigue
Devotion became in surrender.
They knew that they felt, they felt that they had always known:
The castle was not being attacked by time; the castle was the time.
Everything was taken, all due.
Then they scheduled their inexorable duel.
They survived without knowing
Just so we stumbled in their footsteps.
We scheduled an inexorable duel
Those who we are not today, they looked into each other eyes
Sensed their unfortunate destiny
And they smiled.
Being younger, they did so with naive complicity
If older, they did it with secret resignation.
They imagined being the only inhabitants of a necessary world
(I mean they imagined to need each other)
They believed to create anxious waiting, graceful hesitation,
child threw, feverish devotion
And they saw that was good.
Then they laid as two exhausted gods.
Unable to see their feet, but always able to see it
As if it would sprout from the road, clear into the fog
Lofty and dark, as made of timeless stone
They were hectic as if they had found out their home in the best of all worlds
They shared an one-way labyrinth (a tunnel)
As these are dug by accomplices of a heinous crime
And they had a castle.
Then they were welcomed by galleries, glasses and mirrors
A common fire made them feel pleasant, received
Perhaps eternal.
Time came to execute his vanity.
There was not siege; it got soaked to the foundations of their joints.
Mirrors started to reflect them uncontrollably
They touched their faces through the glass and cold did not come from glass
Panic was plaintiff silence, suicidal confidence, vertiginous fatigue
Devotion became in surrender.
They knew that they felt, they felt that they had always known:
The castle was not being attacked by time; the castle was the time.
Everything was taken, all due.
Then they scheduled their inexorable duel.
They survived without knowing
Just so we stumbled in their footsteps.
ChD.
martes, 14 de junio de 2011
"And ne forthedon na"
Vos mismo hubieras querido que hoy fuese una fecha cualquiera. A lo sumo, otra conmemoración del olvido. Pero tan inevitable como las miserias del tiempo son los pululares de la memoria. A pesar de vos mismo; en lugar de vos mismo. No es ésta una elegía redundante, ni el martillo de los ídolos que poblaban tus albas insomnes. Es silencio de quien recuerda y suspira; sólo para sí mismo. Silencio de quien espera el valor de batirse en el duelo eterno y fatal de un compadrito, o compartir con vos la altiva humildad y el apacible trasegar hacia la nada.
Mi soledad se alegra con esa elegante esperanza.
Ch.D.
lunes, 6 de junio de 2011
Amos
People who make a difference do not die alone. Something dies in everyone who was affected by them. Amos made a great deal of difference, and when he died, life was dimmed and diminished for many of us.
There is a large Amos-shaped gap in the mosaic, and it will not be filled. It cannot be filled because Amos shaped his own place in the world; he shaped his life and even his dying. And in shaping his life and his world, he changed the world and the lives of many around him. Amos was the freest person I have known, and he was able to be free because he was also one of the most disciplined.
Some of you may have tried to make Amos do something he did not want to do. I don't think that there are many with successes to recount. Unlike many of us, Amos could not be coerced or embarrassed into chores or empty rituals. In that sense he was free, and the object of envy for many of us. But the other side of freedom is the ability to find joy in what one does and the ability to adapt creatively to the inevitable. I will l say more about the joy later. The supreme test of Amos's ability to accept what cannot be changed came in the last few months. Amos loved living. Death at a cruelly young age was imposed on him, before his children's lives had fully taken shape, before his work was done. But he managed to die as he had lived—free. He died as he intended. He wanted to work to the last, and he did. He wanted to keep his privacy, and he did. He wanted to help his family through their ordeal, and he did. He wanted to hear the voices of his friends one last time, and he found a way to do that through the letters that he read with pleasure, sadness, and pride, to the end.
There are many forms of courage, and Amos had them all. The indomitable serenity of his last few months is one. The civic courage of adopting principled and unpopular positions is another, and he had that too. And then there is the heroic, almost reckless courage, and he had that too. My first memory of Amos goes back to 1957 when someone pointed out to me a thin and handsome lieutenant , wearing the red beret of the paratroopers, who had just taken the competitive entrance exam to the undergraduate program in psychology at Hebrew University.
The handsome lieutenant looked very pale, I remember. He had been wounded. The paratrooper unit to which he belonged had been performing an exercise with live fire in front of the general staff of the Israel Defense Forces and all the military attaches. Amos was a platoon commander. He sent one of his soldiers carrying a long metal tube loaded with an explosive charge, which was to be slid under the barbed wire of the position they were attacking and was to be detonated to create an opening for the attacking troops. The soldier moved forward, placed the explosive charge, and lit the fuse. And then he froze, standing upright in the grip of some unaccountable attack of panic. The fuse was short and the soldier was certainly about to be killed. Amos leapt from behind the rock he was using for cover, ran to the soldier, and managed to jump at him and bring him down just before the charge exploded. This was how he was wounded. Those who have been soldiers will recognize this act as one of almost unbelievable presence of mind and bravery. I t was awarded the highest citation available in the Israeli Army.
Amos almost never mentioned this incident, but some years ago, in the context of one of our frequent conversations about the importance of memory in our lives, he mentioned it and said that it had greatly affected him. We can probably appreciate what it means for a 20-year-old to have passed a supreme test, to have done the impossible. We can understand how one could draw strength from such an event, especially if—as was the case for Amos—achieving the almost impossible was not a once-off thing. Amos achieved the almost impossible many times, in different contexts.
What kept us at it was a phrase that Amos often used: "Let's do it right." There was never any hurry or any thought of compromising quality for speed. We could do it because Amos said the work was important, and you could trust him when he said that. We could also do it because the process was so intensely enjoyable.
But even that is not all. To understand Amos's genius—not a word I use lightly—you have to consider a phrase that he was using increasingly often in the last few years: "Let us take what the terrain gives." In his growing wisdom, Amos believed that psychology is almost impossible because there is just not al l that much we can say that is both important and demonstrably true. "Let us take what the terrain gives" meant not overreaching, not believing that setting a problem implies it can be solved.
Fun was also part of Amos's genius. Solving problems was a lifelong source of intense joy for him, and the fact that he was richly rewarded for his problem solving never undermined that joy. Much of the joy was social. Almost all of Amos's work was collaborative. He enjoyed working with colleagues and students; he was supremely good at it ; and his joy was infectious. The 12 or 13 years in which most of our work was joint were years of interpersonal and intellectual bliss. Everything was interesting, almost everything was funny, and there was the recurrent joy of seeing an idea take shape. So many times in those years we shared the magical experience of one of us saying something that the other would understand more deeply than the speaker had done.
Contrary to the old laws of information theory, it was common for us to find that more information was received than had been sent. I have almost never had that experience with anyone else. If you have not had it, you don' t know how marvelous collaboration can be.
Daniel Kahneman. Eulogy for Amos Tversky read at his memorial service (June 5, 1996)
martes, 10 de mayo de 2011
Límite
10 de Mayo de 2011.
Un desarrapado de grandes lentes, afán de novedad y vida disoluta juzgó insensato sobrevivir al quinto lustro. Siete lustros después, el tono adolescente y la degradante popularidad socavan su argumento, pero no su tesis. Al tipo le tomó 6 meses hacerse digno de su convicción. 6 meses y una herida de mujer. Se deparó a sí mismo un goce final, casi secreto; una mueca insondable en el vacío en el que se desdibujaba su rostro: No ejecutaría el rito hasta tener lejos, fuera de su cabeza, entre unas manos que hace mucho no eran las suyas, el objeto que signara el confín de su potencia. Non plus ultra. No un legado, ni una vindicación, sino el profuso estado del arte de una vida tan arbitraria como cualquier otra. El punto de fuga de tiempos sin perspectiva. Fines sin medios. Próvidos oprobios.
No tengo ése honor.
No tengo ése honor.
Quise desgastar mi vida contra algo perdurable. Quise escalar la colina. De niño me enseñaron que no hay gloria ni redención hasta que te ofreces en sacrificio en la cima de una. Aunque ésta no sea más que una abyecta planicie poblada de quienes te aborrecen. Estiraba los brazos, mis pies tanteaban nuevos suelos; divisaba las salientes sólo cuando mis dedos lograban aferrarme a ellas. Imaginé avanzar, como el crédulo Aquiles en su vana carrera contra su contendora infinita (También tuve una). Si renunciara a mi fe en la gravedad, no podría asegurar que estoy ascendiendo una escarpada cuesta y no arrastrándome por un cóncavo pedregal, ilusoria o infinitesimalmente vertical (si ambos adverbios no son sinónimos).
Vuelvo los ojos a la base de la que partí hace ya varios años y no me parece más cercana o lejana que la figurada cumbre. Dante entendió que no es el Infierno el límite, sino el Limbo: el lugar del silencio, donde ya no habita la espera o la queja. No es corrupción la cesación del movimiento, sino el movimiento eternamente aparente. La descomposición infinitamente minuciosa, infinitamente morosa; como las uñas que crecen en los muertos o la mujer que se cansa. El minutero cuyo movimiento nadie discierne y que a todos disipa.
Antes de ser consumido o diseminado, quizás pueda por fin ver de qué estoy hecho.
Son las 0:30: la asíntota de una noche de cinco lustros: sin cima, ni sima.
ChD.
lunes, 7 de febrero de 2011
Pre-existir
Quizá también sea un destino heroico
Solo nacer para vencer la nada.
Luchar por seguir luchando, aun contra gigantes
cuyas aspas sean mis brazos.
Implacables, silentes
No por ello menos elocuentes.
La moratoria del que debería saber
La memoria de quien ha elegido creer
La angustia del que persiste en comprender
El dolor que se queda sin cuerpo
No pudo ser otro mi legado.
Vine a ti sin acercarme, te quise sin querer
Nos miramos sabiendo que no nos veríamos.
¿Fingiremos no habernos visto?
¡Cómo podría! si apreté mi aflicción contra la tuya
sin que su igual sino nos repeliera
sin dejarle resquicios al tiempo, por ese instante,
que pronto sería el que fue antes de mí.
¿Será una memoria digna, si no fiel?
¿Acaso importaría?
¿para quién?
¿para quién?
Arrojado de nuevo al crisol
Sentiré al diluirme en la llama que no cesa
la obvia certeza
de toda expiación:
la obvia certeza
de toda expiación:
Ser el que fui
No fue mi culpa.
Tampoco mi justificación.
ChD.
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